Rula (2: name changed for purposes of anonymity) experienced the unthinkable before her life had hardly begun. Deserted by her mother and left in the care of her father and step-mother, Rula’s world turned upside down. Instead of getting what every single child deserves – a loving home – Rula found herself in a flurry of abuse and neglect.
In harm’s way
Nothing could be more frightening to a child than to hear the yells and screams of parents fighting, let alone watching a parent get beat up. There is no doubt that Rula felt terrorized when witnessing the physical violence inflicted by her father towards her step-mother. To add to their family troubles, their financial situation was also dire as they struggled to have enough money just to put food on the table. It was not very long before the step-mother, who started getting frustrated with her abusive husband, decided to seek revenge in the most gruesome way – lashing out on a helpless, innocent child. Rula was taken to the hospital with a skull fracture after her step-mother threw her against a stone wall.
Not only was the doctor shocked that this child barely escaped death, but he found upon physical examination that Rula had burn marks all other her body. Naturally, the doctor immediately suspected abuse and referred the case to the police while the step-mother adamantly denied she hit her step-daughter, calling this ‘an accident caused by a little devil’. Nonetheless, the courts concluded that the step-mother abused Rula and refused custody, even to the father, because of his obvious neglect in reporting or stopping the abuse. To date, Rula still resides in a child abuse shelter. This is a true story shared with me by a lawyer who is active in child protection services.
Did Rula stand a chance to live in peace?
Although abuse can happen in any home – any culture, any country, any religion, and any socioeconomic background – there are significant risk factors that can increase the probability of child abuse. Sadly, Rula could not live in peace for her living conditions were an optimal breeding ground for abuse: living with a non-biological parent (the step-mother); witnessing spousal abuse (father abused the step-mother); history of divorce and separation (biological mother abandoned Rula); money troubles (poverty); high parental stress and marital problems (anxious and depressed parents); and a lack of parenting skills (father neglected to stop the abuse).
Abused children need our help
Children are born powerless and depend entirely on us, as parents, to provide a nurturing, loving and safe haven. Unfortunately, millions of children across the globe are deprived of this basic necessity. The statistics are grim, shocking and frightening: according to a United Nations study in 2006, up to 80 to 98 per cent of children suffer physical punishment in their homes, with one-third or more experiencing severe physical punishment from the use of objects. Children cannot defend themselves and require the public’s help for protection which is why, in 1989, the Convention on the Rights of the Child treaty was born. This monumental event marked the beginning of the international stage to recognize the basic human rights that children everywhere in the world should have: the right to survival; to develop to the fullest; to protect from harm, abuse and exploitation; and to participate fully in family, cultural and social life. It is interesting to know that Somalia and the United States are the only two U.N. members who have not ratified the treaty. Even though children’s rights recently celebrated its 20 year anniversary in 2009, the problem of child abuse is far from over, needs grave attention and should be society’s utmost concern.
A fine line between discipline and abuse
Child abuse is hurting or neglecting a child. It can be physical, emotional or sexual. We have all heard of many parents use physical or corporal punishment (i.e. spanking, smacking or slapping) as a way to correct their children’s behaviors. In fact, many cultures widely accept this approach, as a disciplining tactic, claiming it is for the ‘good of the child’ and not intended to be harmful. To further emphasize the popularity of this approach, as mentioned above from the UN study, 98 per cent constitutes that almost every single child on this planet has experienced some type of physical punishment which is quite alarming. It is probably true that generations of children who were spanked turned out to be just fine, without any mental damage. However, research shows this is not always the case, revealing that children who were spanked were more likely to become adults who are depressed, abuse substances, have more anger, hit their own children, hit their spouses and poorly adjust to adulthood than non-spanked children. In fact, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, “Even though spanking may seem to ‘work’ at first, it loses its impact after a while and is, therefore, not recommended.” Another reason not to get too comfortable with using physical punishment (even if you think it is working) as a means of discipline is that parents can easily lose control, especially when frustrated, and may cross the line into child abuse. Try not to get into the habit of using physical measures as a way to teach your children.
Kids will be kids
It is a fact of life that children will misbehave. Children will not always listen – they will give us a hard time during bath, dinner and sleep time. They will push our buttons and they will test us because, frankly, this is their job. We need to understand how their little minds work and the different stages they will pass. For example, some parents do not even know that many children go through a phase of throwing things, biting, pinching, spitting and even lying. Children are unpredictable, changing on a whim from stubborn to helpful; very aggressive to calm; independent to dependent; and annoying to adorable. We need to be aware that children are not expected to behave as adults, and abuse of a child should never be accepted or tolerated. Sometimes parents are raised in a culture where hitting is normal, believe it is necessary to prevent spoiling and is implemented to get children to listen. Sadly, some abused children may not even know that it is wrong to get abused, are afraid of revealing to anybody about their abuse or think that they deserved to be hit.
Signs of abuse (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children)
A child may be abused if he or she is:
- Always dirty, hungry or inadequately dressed
- Left in unsafe situations or without medical attention
- Seems afraid of parents or caregivers
- Severely bruised or injured
- Constantly ‘put down’, insulted, sworn at or humiliated
- Displays sexual behavior which doesn’t seem appropriate for their age
- Growing up around domestic violence
Note: This list does not include all the signs as there may be other worrisome behaviors or concerning situations that can indicate abuse. Anything unusual in a child should be investigated.
A safe sanctuary
Child abuse is something that can never be forgotten by a child. Sometimes, the emotional scars are so deep that as Herbert Ward puts it: “Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime”. Rula must receive intervention immediately, addressing her specific needs on a social, educational, medical and psychological level. As a result, Rula had to be transferred by the Family Protection Department to “Dar-Al-Aman” which is an abuse shelter in Jordan providing her the right tools to assist in her healing. Child abuse is recurring and is not a one-time phenomenon; chances are Rula was abused more than once and nobody seemed to notice. Child abuse should not be ignored and should be reported. It is not fair for Rula to have been on the verge of death before anybody found out that she was abused!
Prevention
“Once child abuse happens, it is more difficult to treat”, says Samia Rizeq, who is the Child Safety Program Director at the Queen Rania Family and Child Center (QRFCC). Stopping abuse is not only about intervention, but also prevention. The idea behind prevention is that when people in the community are infiltrated with knowledge on how to become better parents, then abuse can be dealt with at its core, rather than just putting band-aids on wounds already created. Community centers give children a platform to be heard and according to Rizek, “the more tools for children to freely express themselves, the more protection from abuse.”
Jala, a volunteer (17) at QRFCC, serves as a good role model for all of us when she said, “It is my duty to bring back our children’s rights – I owe it to them.” She is absolutely right for it is not just the duty of the government, police and doctors to protect our children, but also society’s. Children cannot cry out for help and we should be their voice. It is incumbent on every single one of us to be on the lookout for child abuse and stand up for our children. Stopping abuse begins at the grassroots level. Follow your instinct and remember that if something does not feel right, then it is probably not right.
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